Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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