Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
