dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
