dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
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Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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