If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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