Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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