you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
