Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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