Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
there is glitter all over my balls
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