I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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