Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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