after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
