I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
