:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
