I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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