we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
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He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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