i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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