You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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