I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
