i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
