Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
