Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
