Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He passed out mid-signature
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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