dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
