I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Randomize
