He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
