Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
