I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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