non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
