So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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