Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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