My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
