there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
