I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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