omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It was confusing and full of hummus
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
