the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize