M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
