I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
