I will die if light touches me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
