There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
