I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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