I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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