Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
