babies were throwing up all over the place
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize