Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
