dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
