It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
