i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
