Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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