Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
