Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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