Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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