hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
