Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
