how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
