Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
