oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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