I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
