My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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