No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
