I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
