laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
