I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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